Not how you thought It would be.

I will destroy everything around me that prevents me from being the master.

I am writing this right now because I'd prefer not to be. Or rather, I don't feel like doing it "right now." Procrastination is the enemy of my creativity and focus. IT MUST BE DESTROYED.

This particular blogging endeavor is in danger of drowning under the own weight of its serious tone, just like that moleskine I mentioned earlier. Sometimes I can be serious and melancholy...other times I am flat-out ridiculous. (Where I say ridiculous feel free to read RETARTED if you're not offended by that sort of thing.)

It's a consequence of my underlying mood lately. But ultimately I know that this too, shall pass. I don't have anything to actually complain about...and the things I feel like complaining about anyway are things that I can at least try to remedy.

Let me tell you how I see myself.

There's a trick to writing out your introspections and then posting them to the internet and hoping or expecting people to read them... and find something that they can latch on to. To be a worthwhile read people need to identify with you or at least find you funny. So far it has been all about (aiming for) the former. As of yet I acknowledge that the funny is nowhere to be found, but I will bring it to the table eventually. 

Before that, though, I needed to spit out all this, well, meta-blogging if you want to call it that. Meta-blogging, Christ. Blogging about my style of blogging; a self-indulgence feedback loop. But seriously, meta-blogging. I think  I am more interested in the "meta" anyway - the about, the aside, the outside of.

But you do know that it's your fault.

For almost three years I have been living in a town 100 miles away from most of my friends and family. The friends I had made right after I moved here have all since moved away, but I remain. I know a few people that I see every now and then, but nobody that I see on a regular basis that I have a common frame of reference with. After most of my friends left, I made a half-conscious decision to keep this place at arm's length. I didn't think I'd be here much longer myself, after all.

Two years have gone by and now I'm paying for that short-sighted philosphy in the kind of lonliness that sits just above the pit of your stomach. The workplace with colleagues that are too different or too married to form a social circle. The frustration of wanting to go places but not wanting to go by yourself. The feeling of futility you get when you go anyway and still come back alone.

Where do they all belong?

Ultimately I know that in these feelings I am not at all unique. Even as I describe them there's a part of me that wishes I hadn't bothered. But we're into the hundreds of words by now so I might as well keep typing. The rub is that I know that I wasn't designed to feel this way. That even though I might be introspective and quiet, I still have to belong somewhere. I still have a niche to fill. And that my best of all possible worlds isn't so different from the one in which I am living on its surface.

I'm like a puzzle piece, jammed into a hole that sort of fits. But I'm the left ear of a kitten that has orange fur and someone thinks I'm the left ear of a kitten with tan fur. (If we want to get meta again we can say it is also me who is doing the jamming.)

This is a thing that I can fix, given enough time. So the question becomes: do I need to change the puzzle, or can I change myself?